Listed below is the archive of previous Real Life Questions and Answers:
- Resolving Conflict Posted 1-5-10
- Bitterness Posted 12-22-09
- Failure Posted 12-14-09
- Relationships Posted 12-07-09
- Restoration Posted 11-30-09
- Moving Forward Posted 11-18-09
- Trusting God Posted 11-09-09
- Stop Being Critical Posted 11-02-09
- Trusting Someone You Love Posted 10-27-09
- Communicating With Your Husband Posted 10-13-09
- My Children Don't Feel Loved Posted 10-5-09
- Forgiving Past Hurts Posted 9-21-09
- Making Friends Posted 9-14-09
RESOLVING CONFLICT - Posted on 1-5-10
“My girlfriend and I have been dating for six months and we’ve never had a disagreement about anything. We both feel we’re perfect for each other. A few of our friends feel it’s impossible that we agree on everything, but we don’t see anything wrong with it. What do you think?”
What you say may be true, but it’s more likely you and your girlfriend have not developed a good system for problem solving yet.
You see, people are individuals, not carbon copies of one another. Therefore, no matter how much alike you are in your ideas or opinions, there will eventually be areas of conflict where you don’t see eye to eye. Though that may not have happened yet, as you deepen your relationship together, it will.
So, you need to develop some sort of system that can help carry you through the stages of conflict when they arise. If you do that, it will help both of you to be honest in those harder conversations and will cause your relationship with your girlfriend to become stronger.
In reality, conflict is inevitable in any meaningful relationship. Learning to resolve conflicts without dissolving the relationship is a very important skill. And if you can learn that skill now before harder conversations or bigger conflicts arise, they will be much easier to talk through and deal with.
“Many people have betrayed me and been disloyal to me. I feel extremely bitter at them because of it. I know it’s wrong for me to feel bitter, but I don’t know what to do.”
Betrayal is a hard thing to go through. But let me tell you something, bitterness is more devastating than betrayal. Betrayal is something that happens externally but bitterness happens internally. You see, betrayal is something others do to you, but bitterness is something you do to yourself. Many people survive betrayal, but very few can survive the currents of bitterness.
I know you may feel like you’re the only one going through your current situation, but most people have experienced some sort of tragic situation of betrayal in their lives. It could be an unfaithful mate, or an employee that slanders his boss behind his back, or a boss who fired an employee without any explanation. These sorts of things hurt deeply and can be hard to recover from.
Ephesians 4:31-32 says “Let all bitterness and indignation and wrath (passion, rage, bad temper) and resentment (anger, animosity) and quarreling (brawling, clamor, contention) and slander (evil-speaking, abusive or blasphemous language) be banished from you, with all malice (spite, ill will, or baseness of any kind). And become useful and helpful and kind to one another, tenderhearted (compassionate, understanding, loving-hearted), forgiving one another [readily and freely], as God in Christ forgave you.”
In the verses above, it says to let all bitterness, indignation, wrath, rage, bad temper, resentment, anger, quarreling, slander, etc. to be put away from you. One of the ways you put those things away from you is by eliminating any words of bitterness in the conversations you have. Obviously if you need spiritual guidance you would have to talk about it in that setting. But beyond that I would recommend that you don't talk to others. Every time you repeat those painful words, it deepens your bitterness and can possibly spread the bitterness to others. Don’t tell or remind others of your experience unless it is to teach them how to avoid the same situation or to rise above their own hurts. But otherwise, don’t bring it up. It only stirs up those negative feelings in you and in others when you talk about it.
Even though being betrayed by someone hurts, holding onto the hurt causes bitterness which hurts you even worse. To get over the betrayal, you have to see beyond it. You have to see that there’s more to your life than the situation that happened. If you continue to dwell on it, you’ll never get past this one chapter in your life. You have to make the decision to turn the page to the next chapter and refuse to be bitter. It’s a decision YOU have to make, and God wants to help you. He knows you were hurt. But He also knows what kind of hurts and consequences bitterness in your own heart will bring. So ask God to help you and He’ll put people in your life and materials that help you live without bitterness. Because remember, bitterness is internal—it only hurts you.
"I've made a lot of mistakes, and I've let a lot of people down. I feel like a complete failure. I don't know what to do. Can you please help me?"
Jeremiah 31:34 says "...for I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more."
Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone. If you were to examine the biographies of multimillionaires, you would see that a large majority of them have experienced bankruptcy. Some of them many times. But what makes them different is they simply discovered that failure is not equal to failing. Failure is merely an opinion. Jesus knew that and never disconnected with those who made mistakes in their lives. In fact, one of his favorite disciples was Peter. Peter denied Jesus, yet he confessed his sin and Jesus forgave him. Though in other people's eyes, Peter may have failed, but he "got back up" and became one of the most famous apostles in the church.
Look at David, he committed adultery with Beersheba. But he kept his heart right and God forgave him. And what about Samson? He fell into sexual temptation with Delilah. Yet, he is one of the champions of faith mentioned in Hebrews 11:32.
Remember, just because you failed at something doesn't mean you're a failure. Learn to forgive yourself and learn to forgive others. People may not express it, but most people are hurting somewhere in their lives. People make mistakes, and often, those mistakes stay in the front of their minds, reminding them of how they missed it. You've got to learn to forgive yourself and give yourself and others another chance. Mistakes are correctable, and Jesus knew that back then and He still knows it today. Whatever you've done is correctable. You're not a failure unless you fail to get up and try again.
"All men fall. The great ones get back up." - Unknown
RELATIONSHIPS - Posted 12-7-09
I consider myself independent. Is it really such a bad thing if I don’t have any close relationships?
Relationships surround us. Commercials and movies are built on them. We often think about them, talk about them, and experience them. Everywhere we look in our lives we see relationships. They are by far one of the most important elements in our lives.
I don't think we can truly enjoy life if we don't enjoy people. We were created to be in relationships. Relationships are made up of people. If we are not careful we can think of our lives as situations with people in them, when in reality, life is all about relationships and the situations are the minor details. We have to grasp this thing called relationships and begin to see it the way God does. If we don't understand the purpose of something, we will not value it. In fact, we will probably abuse it. If we are going to have all that God has planned for us, then we have to see His purpose for relationships so that we value them.
He created us to be in relationships and not to exist without them. Every part of our lives consists of relationships on some level. Without those relationships we would simply just exist.
Many people today feel that emptiness and they don't know what to do. They are unable to find meaningful relationships to connect with or they don't stay in any one relationship long enough. They jump around from one person to the other without ever making a commitment or staying long enough to connect. Learning how to connect to other people in a healthy way is the path to a happy and meaningful life.
So we, numerous as we are, are one body in Christ (the Messiah) and individually we are parts of one another (mutually dependent on one another). (Romans 12:5 Amp.)
You can see from this passage that God never intended for us to do life alone. He wants us to be meaningfully connected to other people.
When I look back over my life, I can see how God placed people close around me that He used to bring so much of His love into my life. One of my most significant relationships was my adopted dad. My mother died when I was only a year old and my father was unable to take care of me. So I was adopted by my uncle and aunt who all of my life were just considered mom and dad.
God so powerfully used this man I would grow up to call daddy to model His unconditional love and acceptance for me and actually for people in general. He took so much time with me to teach me about love, life, and what really matters.
You see God has things He wants to get into all of our lives and he has chosen to use people. I really think that the most important thing God is trying to get into our lives is love. The Bible says, God is love. Okay, so if that is true, then when people love us with His unconditional love, we see and experience Him. That’s exactly what my dad modeled to me. He told me everyday how much he loved me and how beautiful I was. His love and affirmation made me feel safe and caused me to trust him completely. Then, when I was a senior in high school, I got saved. Believing that God loved me was the easiest thing in the world. It’s easy to see that relationships are one of the most important elements in life.
What a powerful influence my dad was in shaping how I view love and relationships. Life really is all about people and the rest is scenery!
RESTORATION - Posted 11-30-09
A personal story from me, Pastor Margie: The phone call I will never forget.
My mother's silence from the other end of the phone made me feel like I was going to throw up. I was 30 years old and this was the first time I had ever been honest with her about my feelings. I remember it like it was yesterday.
Before I tell you more about the phone call, let me roll back the hands of time and tell you a little bit about my life. An aunt and uncle adopted me at a very young age because my real mother died from heart trouble and my father was an alcoholic.
In my new family, I was the youngest of four children. The difference in age was 13 years. So really I was like an only child. I was a deep thinker and really enjoyed playing by myself. I was either dressing up with my new mom’s purse and shoes or standing in front of my mirror imitating Elvis Presley with my toy guitar. OOPPS, I think the Elvis comment dated me.
There were also times I could feel really sad and alone. I remember one specific morning when my adopted mom went outside to check the mail. I stood in front of a large window watching her long walk to the mailbox. Then suddenly, my eye caught a view of the beautiful 8 x 10 picture of my birth mom. I stared at the picture it seemed endlessly as tears flowed down my little face. I remember my exact thoughts. I wanted to talk to my momma! That is my first memory of ever feeling alone and scared.
As I grew through the years I would learn more and more about this other special woman who carried me in her womb for nine months. On September15 her dream to have a little girl came true and Margie McDaniel was born. She only lived long enough to celebrate my first birthday!
I honestly never felt adopted and was never treated different than anyone else in the family. I had a good life growing up and was always involved in all kinds of sports, great friends, and honor student. Looking from the outside we looked like the perfect family and you would have thought I was the happiest kid in town. But actually I think my story is very common and one you might identify with or know someone who would.
It seemed as if I had everything, but the truth is I had nothing. You see the one thing a child wants and needs most is a loving, authentic connection to those around them. I think most girls want to be close to their mom. That ended up being my most important quest. I worked so hard to earn the love of this other woman I had called mom. I wanted her ACCEPTANCE AND APPROVAL more than anything.
She was very different from me and that made it difficult to connect with her. If you know much about Gary Chapman's book, The Five Love Languages you will see the stark difference in what made each of us feel loved. She was never very affectionate, actually aloof would best describe her. Her love language was acts of service. She just did the usual things a mother does, clean, cook, wash clothes, iron. That’s how she expressed love. But my love language is affection and quality time. So you can probably see already where this is going.
All I wanted was her to pay attention to me, talk to me, and show an interest in who I was. It never happened and so through the years we grew further apart. Finally, at age 30, after all of these years that same empty lonely feeling I had when I stared at that 8 x 10 picture of my momma was still inside of me. The deep heart cry for a mom’s love never was met.
I couldn’t go another day without telling my mom how I was feeling. I slowly picked up the phone to call her. The moment of truth was here. The phone seemed to ring forever and then she answered, Hello, Hi Mom.
Hi darling.
Mom I have to tell you something.
What is it, is everything ok?
Yes, but no not really.
My heart started to beat really fast. Then I just said it...
Mom, I didn’t feel like you ever loved me when I was growing up.
My mother's silence from the other end of the phone made me feel like I was going to throw up. What if she says she didn’t love me?
How can you say that?
She almost seemed insulted.
I adopted you and raised you like you were my own child. I did everything for you that a mother would do.
Mom, you never hugged me, told me you loved me, spent quality time with me, or ask me how I was doing. Mom I just wanted you to be with me not just do things for me.
I felt like my heart was in her hands at this moment because I had shared from the deepest part of my heart. Nothing was hidden and everything had been told. She seemed almost choked up when she said,
I am so sorry you felt that way. I did love you but I didn’t know how to show it. I was the kind of mother to you that my mom was to me.
Then she said something that shocked me.
I never felt like you loved me either.
What, how can you say that?
Margie you never wanted to be home. You always found other mothers to spend time with.
Wow, I am so sorry. Mom, I never would have thought you felt that way.
Margie why didn't you tell me sooner?
Mom, I was the child so I had no way of knowing what was wrong.
I love you so much Mom.
Honey, I love you too.
From that day, until she died 14 years later, my mom became one of my closest friends.
HERE WAS THE TURNING POINT FOR HER PERSONALLY! My mom ended up calling all of her children, apologizing to them for how distant emotionally she had always been. Then, one year later, she called me and said that she had just forgiven her own mom who had been dead for nine years. Can't you see how powerful it is to do what the Bible says, and speak the truth in love?
The last 14 years of my mom’s life was her happiest. She became one of the most loving and caring women in my life. My only regret is why did I wait so long? It was a lot of wasted years for both of us. Before my mom died, she strongly recommended that I share our story for the rest of my life. I took her advice today and shared this wonderful story with you.
All we did that day on the phone was talk openly about something that was painful to both of us and then work at understanding each other. Remember, it's not too late for you.
MOVING FORWARD - Posted 11-18-09
People have hurt me a lot in the past. Sometimes it’s really easy for me to forgive them, but hard to really forget what they did. What can I do?
Have you ever tried driving a car while looking in your rear view mirror? It’s almost impossible to stay on the road and it’s dangerous. We can’t see what’s in front of us, only what’s behind us. But even though it’s dangerous and we could never successfully drive our car by looking in the rear view mirror. For some reason we try to live our lives that way. We look in the rear view mirror of our life experiences expecting them to take us to our future. We keep looking backwards to past failures, hurts, and disappointments expecting them to determine what our present life experiences will be. But we never realize that if we continue to focus on what’s behind us, we can’t see the future ahead of us. We have thoughts like:
My friends always betray me.
No one will ever want to marry me.
My parents are divorced and I am so fearful the same thing will happen to me.
I will never be successful because nobody believes in me.
Every person I date always breaks up with me.These types of thought patterns will always keep you looking back in your past for information about your future. It’s a formula for failure. You must decide today to break the power your past has to dominate your present life and determine your future. Your past mistakes and failures make no difference concerning what God can do for you today. He has a great future for you, but you’ll never find it by looking at your past.
Whatever strongholds the past has on you can be broken. It is never God who holds us back. He is continually cheering us on and believing in us to succeed. Even when we have failed God is right there to encourage us and help us. We are able at any moment to ask for forgiveness and be totally cleansed of and released from our past actions. It’s good to learn from the past so you don’t repeat the same mistakes in the future; however we must be forward focused. The moment you choose to see forward, pray forward, and live forward, the strongholds your past had on your life will be broken.
Philippians 3:13-14 encourages us to be forward focused:
13 No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.
The key in that scripture is to forget what lies behind and continue reaching forward. Today is a new day and it can be the new beginning you have longed for. Make the choice to leave your past where it is, in the past, and move forward.
TRUSTING GOD - Posted 11-09-09
What does it meant to really “trust God?”
Jesus said He came that we might enjoy life! Think about the fact that God wants us to have a great day everyday. That can look impossible to our natural way of thinking but it’s not. There is, however, only once place to look if we are going to find out how to have this wonderful life and it’s the Bible. The Bible is our life manual from God on how to live the life He died to give us.
In Proverbs 3:5 New Living Translation we have a snapshot into what to do in this area. Trust in the Lord with all of your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. The starting place is your decision to trust Him. Give God the reigns of every area of your life. It’s human nature to lean on our own way of thinking and doing.
This is a place of complete abandonment to God for His will in all aspects of your life. He wants to be involved in even the smallest details of your life. Just decide to trust Him right now. Let that peace that passes all natural thinking flood your heart right now. Enjoy life today by simply trusting Him.
STOP BEING CRITICAL - Posted 11-02-09
My daughter and I have always had tension in our relationship. She has told me she feels I am very critical and I don't listen to her. I would be happy to listen but there is no reason to because we don't agree on very much at all. The reason I am writing is because she leaves for college soon and I am scared that I have lost my baby forever now. Can you please offer me any insight?
I am so sorry that you are going through this and I hope I can be helpful. First let me show you one thing that could enhance your communication with her immediately. You need to listen to her because you care, not because you agree. I would apologize for not listening and for being critical when you disagree. This will open her heart to you. An apology with no excuses is a powerful example of love and humility working together.
When she begins to talk to you don't preach to her or criticize her, just listen. If she senses openness in you she will want to share more. At this point, you can take your empathetic listening to the next level by asking reflective questions like: Are you saying you felt I wouldn't understand you? Are you saying you feel ________? Tell me more about that because I care about you and want a closer relationship with you.
Now at this point she may be more open to input because you have validated her thoughts and feelings. This one conversation can turn the relationship in a better direction. You have positioned yourself for restoration. Perhaps absence will make both of your hearts grow fonder.
If you are going to fulfill God’s plan for your life, you will have to choose many times to follow God’s Word and not your feelings.
God wants to be intimately involved in even the smallest details of our lives.
Quit blaming the condition of your life on everyone and ask the question, where can I change?
You are the only one who can stop you.
You can do more in one day with God at your side, than a lifetime without Him.
If you are going to follow God, you may not always be able to see far down the path.
TRUSTING SOMEONE YOU LOVE - Posted 10-27-09
My fiancé has been dishonest with me and I am finding it hard to trust her. Should I try to bring it up or just let it go?
Trust is the foundation any relationship is built on whether parent, friend, fiancé, spouse, sibling, etc. Therefore, it’s not something you can just let go. It is never easy to confront trust issues in a relationship, but if you can approach this situation with gentleness, honesty, and openness, you will give the relationship a chance to heal. The only parts of your relationship that can heal are what you both are open to talk about and work through together.
Trust can be developed over time. You can start the process by implementing a few steps I have listed below:
1. You both must agree that there is a problem (if one of you is in denial it won’t work).
2. The situation must be viewed as serious.
3. Everything must be brought out into the open and talked about (the one who has been hurt must be given the opportunity to share how they feel have been negatively affected).
4. The one who has violated must show contriteness (if you love someone you are not just sorry you got caught. You feel bad for the hurt you caused).
5. Give the process time.
This gives both of an opportunity to pray and ask God to change you. It also allows you both to analyze together the areas of needed change to see progress. Where there is sustained progress over time, the risk to trust again needs to be taken. You have to let her back into your heart if trust is going to be restored.
COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR HUSBAND - Posted 10-13-09
I told my husband last night that I am always asking about his day and how he is doing. He never asks me about anything. It seems so unfair that I am doing everything. What can I do at this point?
First of all it’s important that you decide to not keep score of what he is or is not doing. Also make sure your motive in what you do for him is love. Take a different approach in how you communicate this to him. Instead of saying, I always ask about your day and you never ask about mine. Try stating what you need from him instead.
"It would mean so much to me if you would ask me a few times a week how my day was and how I was feeling." That is not threatening or defensive, its simply telling him what you need from him.
I teach what I know, but I reproduce what I am. Live each day with the desire to love God as much as you know how. When you fail to love Him, then let Him love you.
My addiction to love used to be unhealthy, until I found the true source of real love, God. My addiction was God Himself. God is love.
Whatever you do, don’t sin, but if you do, make sure you do something to make up for what you did. That would be called religion with a mask of Christianity.
God is the most radical lover of humanity you will ever meet.
Your life engine may be running and even revved up, but if it’s in neutral, you are sitting still.
Where you are today is not all there is to life and what you are now is not all God has created you to be.
Vision is a mental snapshot of what your future looks like.
You are going where no one has gone, you will stand where no one has stood, and you will do what no one has done, all because God is with you!
Compromise is accepting what you don’t believe in because you refuse to fight for what you do believe in.
MY CHILDREN DON’T FEEL LOVED - Posted 10-5-09
My wife says my children don’t feel loved by me because I work a lot. That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. I love them and that’s why I work so much. Can you help us with this?
I do agree that one of the ways a dad loves his children is to provide well for them. However, it can’t be the only way you show them your love. They need a deeper connection with you to see your love. Look at the way Jesus handled a situation and maybe that will give you some insight as to what you can do.
One day children were brought to Jesus in the hope that he would lay hands on them and pray over them. The disciples shooed them off. But Jesus intervened: "Let the children alone, don't prevent them from coming to me. God's kingdom is made up of people like these." After laying hands on them, he left. (Matthew 19:13-14 MSG)
It’s evident in this passage that the disciples did not fully understand who Jesus really was. Had Jesus not intervened they would have totally misrepresented the very nature of God to these children. He stopped everything He was doing to love them. What a profound impact that must have had on those children.
What kind of impact would you have on your children if you stopped everything you were doing, just to love them? We will always make time for what’s most important to us. I know your children are very important to you so make room for them in your day, even if its just a few minutes. It seems like Jesus only spent a few minutes with these children in this passage, but what impacted them was he stopped everything He was doing to give them undivided attention. Use His example and I promise you the impact will be tremendous.
FORGIVING PAST HURT - Posted 9-21-09
My mother has hurt me so many times. She has never apologized, so do I have to forgive her?
This type of situation can happen in any relationship you have whether it’s a friend, teacher, spouse, parent, or someone you are dating. Regarding this situation with your mom, no, you do not have to forgive her. But if you don't, it’s going to negatively affect you for the rest of your life. Let me help you understand what forgiveness is.
Let’s look at what the Bible says about it in Mark 11:25 Amplified:
25And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and [a
let it drop (leave it, let it go), in order that your Father Who is in heaven may also forgive you your [own] failings and shortcomings and let them drop.We can see from this scripture that when we forgive someone, we simply let it go. That is what you would be doing for your mom if you forgave her. You have come to a place in your heart where you are no longer holding anything against her. Your forgiveness requires nothing from her. This is between you and God. You can also see from this scripture that when you do not forgive, God cannot forgive you. This opens your life up to all kinds of negative things.
So really it’s not hard for any of us to see that forgiveness is the right choice in any relational difficulty. Now this does not mean you deny what happened. Depending on how serious the situation, you may need some time to pass in order to gain insight into what happened and how you feel, but eventually you have to let those feelings go. Let your mother off the hook, even if she doesn't deserve it.
Now, forgiveness is not the same as trust. Trust requires change in the areas that have caused the difficulty in your relationship with her. That will come over time if she is open to change, but until then you may need some emotional space from her.
Now your life is positioned for God to free you from bitterness, anger, resentment, and anything else that is hindering you. You can expect a bright future filled with the quality of life you have longed for.
MAKING FRIENDS - Posted 9-14-09
I have a hard time making friends. Can you give me some advice on what to do?
The Bible says we must show ourselves friendly. Therefore, our first step in making friends is to become a good friend—be friendly. Second, examine your heart motive for making friends. If your motive for making friends is just to get someone to meet your needs, then more than likely, you will become resentful because the role of your friends is not to meet your needs. Remember, life is all about people and loving them the way God loves us. The nature of God’s love toward us is that of giving. Likewise, you will do well to develop a giving attitude toward your friends. Below, I have listed five ways to become a friend to others.
1. Smile. This sounds elementary but a smile is the first thing people will notice about you. We cannot underestimate the power of body language. A smile shows we are friendly and a frown does the opposite. (Proverbs 18:24 New Living Translation)
2. Listen. Let others talk about themselves. When someone else is talking to you, don’t put up your ME filter but put up the THEM. Let me explain. If someone is talking to you and there is an obvious space in the conversation where your response is appropriate, it must be about them. Your response is your opportunity to show you care and it connects to them. (Proverbs 17:28 New Living Translation)
3. Be dependable. Be there for others when everything is going great or when it seems like everything is falling apart. Anyone can be there when everything is fun, but only a true friend will be there when life is hard.
4. Keep your word. If you say you are going to do something, do it. Keep your word even if you don’t feel like it. If you can’t keep a promise, then don’t make it. (Proverbs 11:3)
5. Help others succeed. Think about others. Ask yourself the question, how can I help them? Then do something about it.
If you keep these things in mind and allow God to change you from the inside out, you will have more friends than you ever thought possible. Remember life is all about people; the rest is only details.